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Diary of an a-WAKE-ning in COMA

And so I write a story, that tells the history of a patient in coma, seen through the eyes of the therapist and felt by the therapist. What if it is the way it is described here!


I wrote down some words of them, who can not talk.

Diary of the awakening of the inner voice of a therapeutic patient in coma

the influence of touching
the influence of nature
the influence of trust
the influence of my inability to follow the time
the influence of expectations

Day 1
Where did it start? Was it at the dinner, that I had with this woman, where we spoke about her family problems and how she might solve them and how we talked about her idea to get an accident in front of the hospital of the university, where she passes every day. How she gets this accident, comes into the hospital almost dead and how I will heal her, but she says, that what I know now is not enough. I have to invent a new therapy.

I could not longer stand the disharmony in our family. I love my parents, I love my sister and I can not bear, that they make problems. I have been thinking about everything and an accident with my bicycle was the best thing I could imagine. The therapist I met for dinner once, told me not to do so, just before she left, but I did not find a better solution. So, now I am lying here and I am aware, that I chose this solution, even though I did not know at the time, how I would get out of this situation again and I hope, that this therapist has a good therapy for me, when she comes. I WANT TO LIVE IN HARMONY!

Day 2
Where did it start? Was it at the garage of the Italian, who was not in, where I met a very lovely man, who had not only car problems. I saw, that he had a lot of anger in him and told him so in silence, so he could get aware of it and by that let it flow away.

I could no longer bear the stress in our family. We were separated and I was very angry on myself, that I had not been able to keep a happy relationship. I was in the garage because of my car, but no one was there. Instead I met a nice woman, who said some friendly words. And now I lie here and can not move.

Day 3
Where did it start? With the esoteric healing, that I learned in Germany? It made me communicate differently with people!

I could not endure myself any longer and now I am lying here and can not move.

Day 4
Where did it start? The education hnc gave me the connection to my inner voice again and now I know, what the patient needs.

I could not bear my therapist any longer and I was very anxious and afraid who the new one were. The first meeting was a good one. She is totally different from the others and very careful. I fell, that the treatment did good, as I am afraid of dying.

Day 5
Where did it start? Was it the one Euro Job, that I had to start from the employment office? I wanted to work with autists, but they did not find any. In stead I got that afternoon this temporary job where I had to treat patients in coma.

I was in a very bad state as the new therapist came. I am lying here already a very long time. Until now, no one has succeeded to do me any good. They extend my arms, they rotate me a little and, if I am lucky, my legs are extended too. That is not much possible any longer, because I am almost always lying in the bed.

Day 6
I have the feeling, that I know this person. I can not remember, where we met. I would like to help this person to come on the feet again, but I have no idea what it needs. So, I start to reflect upon it.

Oh, this energy I do not know yet? She looks good? I wonder if she can help me.

Day 7
I have the feeling, that this person does not want any treatment. At least, not the treatment that was given until now. I have the feeling, that this person wants to go to heaven, so I use healing touch to open the way.

I would like to stay here for my daughter, but I can no longer. These years without movements and all this lying in the bed has taken my love of life.

Day 8
I had the feeling, that this person is much more alive than the picture my college gave of him. I see a very attentive person, that has a lot of problems because of a bad placed trachea.

This new therapist is an adventure. She wants to change my situation. I do not have that feeling with the other therapists. This new one treats me as a person, that one can talk with, something I appreciate very much and I try to answer, but I do not succeed.

Day 9
I have the feeling, that I have to be very careful with this person, because the physical body is totally overcharged. I think it is a wonder, that it still can function the way it does.

This little therapist has a lot of energy. Every time when she comes I am glad. I feel my physical body more than before and I hope, that this will stay. I think of her quite a lot and I than feel better.

Day 10
As a child I was very fast, now I am very slow. I had my principles as a child and they brought me in difficulties as I lived them in my adult life. It was not good for myself and now, now I have colleagues, that want that formerly made agreements, of which I know, that they are not right, even if I can not explain why, these colleagues want that these agreements will be kept.

This therapist does something totally different with me. She touched my head very carefully at the part, where the piece of brain-pan is missing, that was not put in again and that is the reason, that I can not talk. I had a huge fear for every touching of my brain-pan as it war hurting very much, but her touching was so careful, that it did not hurt. She put her hand on this place and that was a very good feeling. I felt, how this touch connected this part with the rest of the skull and that I did no longer have this fear. Nobody has been touching me that way before and that is the reason, that my situation has not been changed. I need this loveful touching to come with my feelings and emotions in the NOW. I am in the past since the accident and that means, I do not have any time feeling, this means, the day is endless long. This therapist has endless time, what is good for me. I do not know, what she does to me, but I feel, that my system reorganizes and I always am glad, when I see her. My system is so disturbed, that everything is different from before.

Day 11
As fast as I were as a child, as slow I am now. I am allowed to treat you twice a week for half an hour. I see, that you need a lot more! You are here, but no one seems to notice. Me too, I do not make enough time for you, I just treat you this half hour.

Hé you, new therapist, I am very glad to see you again. You are one of the few, who have their heart a little bit opened and you do not treat me as a sack flour, but as a sensitive person that one can talk with.

Day 12
I have to wear a coat when I treat you and gloves, because you have this very aggressive bacterium. I wonder how it is, when one is only touched by gloves. It must be horrible.

Ha, this new therapist is here again. She is still very insecure, but I love her, because she thinks technical differently from the others. She starts right away to feel, what I could need and she looks if I am lying properly. That often is not the case and than she tries to place me properly in the bed.

Day 13
Ha, you do not have a trachea. You look big and strong and you are attractive because of your radiation and I start the treatment.

Hallo, new therapist. How do you look! I know this energy from somewhere.

Day 14
The first thing you do is to send me to the bathroom to wash my hands. I wonder why, but I do as I am told so you will be eased. I feel, that you are a fearful person that does not know how to love himself. You show your love to give presents to others. I used to be that way and I am still that way a little bit. I accept your presents with some resistance, because I do not want to hurt you.

I am afraid for this new therapist. I had a lot of them already and therefore a lot of experiences, not all of them nice. The less nicer experiences are still in my memory. I hope, that this therapist is good, because I walk on the last rest of my legs.

Day 15
It stinks here in the room. I first of all, open the door. Than it is your turn. You do not lie properly again. It is not easy to put you properly in the bed. It takes a lot of the treatment time, what I dislike. I want to treat you healing and I do not want to spend this time to put you in bed properly. But, if you do not lie in the bed properly, a healing treatment will not have the effect it has, when you lie good in the bed. Here in this house, the therapists have to put the patients in another position too, what takes a lot of treatment time. Properly positioning in the bed supports the healing.

Ha, finally comes someone, who opens the window so fresh air comes in the room. I am lying in the bed, but it would be much better, if I was out of the bed and were moved. This little therapist has not yet understood that and moves me as less as possible! I hope she will come to other thoughts soon!

Day 16
"Hai, oh, you are not well! You are sweating! I will have a look, what I can do", and I go to you and put my hand on your breast. I feel, that slowly life in your breast normalizes and I do than, what I think you do need. I extend your arms and ask you, if you can move voluntarily your arm, extend or bend. Yes, you can. It is a very feeble movement, but it can be felt, so it can be used to communicate with you. I do nothing with this knowing....

I felt so miserable. I got water in my trachea again and have a pneumonia through it. I get antibiotics and have to cope with them again. My body still can do it, but there is no much reserve left. I NEED MOVEMENT !

Day 20
I have been treating you for almost a year now. At the beginning I did not know, what I know now. I was very happy, as I felt, that you could make a movement with me. You were very attentive and focused as you made the movement with me.

Finally she moves me! I am glad, that she at last understands, that I need to be moved to be able to move! I have the feeling, I can move now. I have to focus very intense, but I can move! I am very happy, that I can move again. I feel, that I still need help, but I CAN MOVE !

Day 25
I do not know, what I can co with you. I made some lists with words and let myself be leaded to one of them to find out, what I have to treat and how I have to treat it. Today the medicines want to be treated. You let me know, that you do not need any painkiller and that the medicines make you ill.

I feel very ill today. I do not get anything to eat or to drink, but I get medicines, that I do not need at all. Since you told me, that my laugh looks like my cry and that both look like crying, so everyone thinks I am crying when I am laughing and that they than think I have pain, I try not to be that loud if I laugh. You treat me now and I feel, that I feel better.

I asked your nurse, why you get those painkillers. They date from years ago, because you were crying so much. And that is the reason, that you still get them. You do not cry loud any longer, but as they are on the list, they must be given. The other medicines you get for the same reason.

Day 28
You lie in the bed and I should move you. I feel, that you do not want and I try to make you feel a little bit better through healing touch and feel guilty, that I do not move you.

I can no longer. Movement was necessary, but I did not get it. Sitting in a chair is exactly as immobile as lying in bed.

Day 30
"What is the matter with you!? You are so poor of life and energy! What has happened?" Unfortunately, you can not answer me yet. So I use my lists. Something with water. Tooth? No. Sonde? No. Bath? YES ! Oh, bath, did you have a bath? It is not on my list. Aha, the water was too hot. That is treated.

I am totally worn out of the bath, that I got yesterday. It was a well meant action, but the water was much too warm. It really hurt and since then I feel as if I am much less in my body than before. I am glad, that you do what you do so I come more in my body again.

Someone comes with the medicines and tells me, that the patient had a bath yesterday and was so nicely relaxed afterwards, not realizing, that this bath was a trauma for him because the water was too hot.

Day 35
I come while you are nursed. Your teeth are done and I wonder, why you are lying horizontal, but do not dare asking why. You have problems with swallowing and swallowing is in lying more difficult that in sitting position.

I am glad, that my mouth is nursed again. I can not swallow properly. The sputum, that comes up, comes in my mouth. I do not have any exercise. I hardly become something to eat and if, than there is hardly time to swallow so it happens, that it comes in my trachea. Than the lungs get inflamed and I get antibiotics in stead of food. The water of the tooth nursing is even worse. It is so liquid, that it goes very easy in the trachea. I would like to get food, that I can swallow.

Day 40
Today I feel good. The weather is beautiful and you are put in the chair. That means, that you are out of the bed for a little while. It is good, that I am here now. After I treated you a bit, you make it clear to me, that you want to go out. I take you in the chair and out in the garden. First I put you in the sun.

The weather has been wonderful the last few weeks and I want to feel the sun. You do your best, but I WANT TO GO OUT ! It takes some time before you get this idea and you drive me out in a high speed. I can not follow you because of the high speed and I am happy, that you put me in the sun and I enjoy the warmth. Until I get too warm. Fortunately you seem to feel that and you ask me, if I want to be walked around. I answer YES by closing my mouth, because you asked me to. You begin to walk me around and again, I can not follow, because you walk too fast. Oh, you ask, if it is to fast. Than close your mouth, so I close my mouth. And you than go v e r y s l o w and that is very good for me. I feel the sun and the shadow and the wind and I hear the birds sing and cry, no laugh but it looks like crying and therefore you ask the whole time if it are laughing tears, what I confirm by closing my mouth.

Day 45
I am happy, that I can treat you again. I have my lists with me, without I do not know what to do. I just started this therapy. It is a journey full of searching and I only know, that it helps you.

Surprise, this energy I know! I experienced it before. I do not know, who I am or what I feel. I only know, what I think and that makes me unhappy. I love my family, but I can not show them. I lie here, stiff as dead and I do not know, how to move. I am looking for movement in my body and have not found it yet. You must make it possible to me to find the movements of my body again.

Day 50
You cry a lot and I wonder why. I ask you and you let me know, that your thoughts make you sad. I talk with you and explain to you, that love will flow and that you must let it flow so you come in the flow and are moved.

I love so much, that I do not know what to do with it. You tell me, I have to love myself, so love sill flow, but I do not know how. I never loved myself. I always loved others. I feel guilty if I love myself.

Day 55
You have a clonus again. Your left foot the most. Where does it come from? Does it come from your head, stomach or leg? I treat your head.

Oh, my foot is shaking again. I feel, that my head is very tensed by all this lying on it. I feel, how the tension diminishes when you treat my head and also the shaking in my leg diminishes.

Day 60
You have a lot of sputum in your mouth again. I treat your hyoid, that is important at the swallowing act. Your jaw also needs treatment now and your intestines.

This pushing of my hyoid is pleasant, I believe that you do something now, that helps me to swallow. The movements of the jaw relaxes my whole head.

Day 68
I come in your room and hear, that you use your voice. I see, that you are not lying properly and I put you in a better position and when the medicines are brought in, I say, that you were lying, the way I found you. It is seen as critique and the work, that was done, is defended. I feel that I am talking to the wall and I do not try to speak with this person once more.

It is good, that you come. The position of my head makes, that my whole body stiffens and I can not change it myself. I have been trying to get the attention but no one hears me.

Day 70
You are sitting in the living-room again, the television goes, but you have your eyes closed. I just learned, that the skull has a lot to do with the eyes, so I start to mobilize your skull.

I can not keep my eyes open. They are so heavy. I am awake, I know everything what happens, but the others think, that, because I can not open my eyes, I am asleep and they talk about me as if I am not here. Your hands on my head make it easier for me to open my eyes.

Day 74
I love you with my heart and soul. You made me open my heart through your open heart and your trust in my healing therapy and therefore I am now full of energy and I do not fear any body and I am on the barricades for all people who want to be aware who they really are and what their talents are and how they can use them to the benefit of the Whole. I see a part of your talents and I invite you to share them with me. You do not want because you do not want someone to decide for you.

I know that. I always said, I have a power-problem. Not longer, I now let me lead by my inner voice that is connected (she says) to the Devine Love. I feel, that I have a lot of energy and I would like to share this with someone. Unfortunately there is hardly anyone that can cope with this amount of energy. Patients in coma can, but I am kept away from them because I try to bring changes in their situation and that is too threatening to the people around them. They must than change their thoughts. I repeat myself. The knowledge, that that, what has to happen to the benefit of the Whole, makes that I continue with this writing. Now I have the time to do so. That will be finished when I will be teaching people what I know. People, that want to know who they really are and who are willing to live to the benefit of the Whole. The speed that makes me put all this on paper, my thoughts go faster than my fingers, is the sign to me, that everything is true and wants to be now.

You just send me a program and you gave me a job in it, even though I told you I have other plans at that time!!!! I will not join you. You can not do a thing like that to me! I love you and want to do a lot of things with you but you can not just decide about my time. Besides I do not trust myself at all about that, what you want me to do, even though I have a lot of experience with groups. But not, the way you think and I just can not imagine me to de what you ask me to, as I do not want to look in the future, because I have some bad experiences through that.

Day 76
I am sitting at your table again. My inner voice told me to pass at your place and I tell you, what I thought on my way. You can understand what I tell you and I ask for something to eat. I get a good meal that I enjoy in my feeling of richness. This feeling makes me very productive and I want to share all the ideas I have. When I want to go, I ask for the bill. You ask me, how much I want to pay. I tell you to give me a bill, that is much too low and I pay more, hoping I do not hurt you for not accepting your present but that you understand, that you are worth much more.

Oh, you here? What made you come? Your inner voice? What, you want something to eat? I like it, when you visit me. I feel much better afterwards. Yes, sure, you can also get salad and dessert. You want to pay? O, how much? I have to decide, I think, you do not have much money, so I do not calculate the dessert and let you just pay half of the costs and am glad that you pay more.

Day 77
The weather is nice today. You want to go out. I go with you in the garden and we sit down there, because you can not walk further. Your friend Parkinson is still too dominant.

You made me conscious of my thoughts, that made me get this illness, for example your remark, that I want to say "stool" in stead of "shit" and now I seem to think I must go by chair (in German is stool = chair) in stead of using my legs.

Day 79
You are a huge, overweight person. I hardly dare to take you out of your chair. I try to put you on the standing table and that succeeds! You can do more than I thought. While you stand, I do something with your arms and your head.

I like to stand. I feel much more awake and I can open my eyes better. You ask me to straighten my back and that makes me even more awake!

Day 89
I am very angry, furious on all those around you. They do not understand, what you need, how you are doing, what you perceive, who you are. I have the feeling, that I sense it a little bit. I do not know yet, what is possible with you, but I can not agree with the idea to operate your feet to get rid of the ballerina feet to put you on your feet again. It is not normal, that in this time of technique, it would be impossible to make a ground plate that is adapted to your feet, but that they want to cut in your body to make it possible for you to stand. Your father knows better. He still has contact to his inner voice. I love him and I hate it, that I can not talk with him because I do not speak his language. You can confirm YES but you are not asked. Your father is right, I think, when he says that everyone, the therapists, the doctors and all the others around you, are not really interested in your healing, but in that marvelous accident insurance that you had. A good accident insurance is in your case a burden. Everyone want something out of it. I am an exception and that is not tolerated.

I know, that you would like to treat me, but I NEED HARMONY. You irritate everyone because you try to change my situation. Changes in my situation mean changes to others and they fear that. They have to changes their acts than and they must get down to the problem and their reactions to it. They want that unconsciously, but because they are afraid, they do not dare and that is the reason they send you away. And because I need harmony that is disturbed by you, I let them send you away.

Day 95
I have the feeling, that you do not want any changes. Your negative approach gives you the security that you need. You are not aware that you come to the same subject over and over again. In old times everything was better or in old times everything was worse. That everything that is today also has been present in old days and that all that has been present in old day still exists, can not be true in your world.

I did change so much already! I am very positive, but I have the experience, that in old day everything was better and now it is better than in old days because we are more aware.
If that had been like that in the old days, would the world not have been better now? If the world would have been thinking differently, we would have more harmony now. In the old days there was war and there is still war. I do not have peace with my situation, but I do not know how to change it. I can not change myself, because I fear the future. I have to come through my future as good as I came through my past!

Day 97
I am standing at your bed and you shine so nice. You are happy, you will be treated again with this treatment that is so wonderful. Me too, I do not know, what happens. I do a lot with your eyes. Memory banks and I tell you what I do: limbic system, liver program, adrenal gland program and so on and I hope, that it helps. At the beginning I did the whole program, but I do not want to disturb you too much.

Your treatments are good for me. I do not know, what you do, but I become contact to my body. This treatment where you did the whole program is no burden to me. I like the love full touch, there, where I am never touched. Unfortunately you do not understand this but stop to do the whole programs and take my eyes instead. It has also its effect, but I miss the touching. Your hands on my face became a habit, that was totally unthinkable before you came. I had a huge fear for every touching of my head because my head-bones were operated out of it.

Day 99
You have been in my thought for some time again. I have stayed away from you. For some months I was in your room, but it was empty. I did not see anyone. Your wheelchair was in the room. I asked at the reception, but they did not know where you were. Now I ring your caretaker and make an appointment with her. I would like to talk to her about my ideas and experiences of the last period and I visit you. Three days. Your father is happy, to see me and angry because I have not been here so long a period. Has he not seen the letter, that I have been writing and handed in and that also was addressed to him? Your care-taker has told me, that someone else will be taken care of you. Your father is so angry with everybody, that I get angry, because he does not understand me when I try to explain why I have not been here. I treat you while he is in the room and he tells this your mother. When I come with CDs for your father to learn German, she wants me to get out without leaving anything there. I leave the CDs and write your fathers name on the envelop. Did he get them? I say to you that we will meet again and you confirm this under your mothers arms through with your eyes. I am glad, that you still can communicate and I decide, to treat you from now on, if you want it, energetically.

I am glad, that my mother sent you away. I still need HARMONY ! I am still not in NOW: Do you know what I mean? I am still in the past which means, that I still have the need of harmony, the cause of my accident. I was not heard, who I want as care-taker. Because I can not speak. As the word says, one can not hear me. I can answer YES if one asks me the right question. That means, I must be able to confirm the question. If I can not confirm it, I will not answer YES. One has to ask other questions so I can confirm them. You made a paper with YES, NO, EQUAL on it, but it is in the cupboard and no one uses it. They do not ask anything. I CAN NOT SPEAK and therefore no one wants to know what I want to tell, what my wishes are, what needs I have or who I want to have around me.

Day 109
You lay in your shit. It is very liquid and I do not want to clean it. I do not want you to lay in it either, so I go to look for a nurse. I find all of them together handling over and tell them, that you are lying in your shit. I am told quite aggressive, that I am not allowed to use the word shit. I say sorry, I do not know another word in German and ask, how I should call it. Excrement is the right word. To me, you are lying not lying in excrement but in the shit. I am told, you have to wait, at this moment it is handling over time and that is more important. I do not give up that easy as you are not lying in excrement, but in the shit and for your skin this is a danger! Fortunately one of the nurses still has a heart for her job and she comes with me to clean you. I have one experience more.

You did not get aware, that my intestines emptied through your treatment. After you have finished, your attention is caught to it. I am happy, that I was changed that quickly.

Day 110
I am so fixed on my thing, that I almost forgot your needs. I am glad, that I think of it again. It is good, that I was sent away. You will be moved and I will be able to write and do the energetic work from far away.

You tell me, that you do not come any more and I am very sad about that. You made me come in contact to me again. I want to get more contact with me and I want to be able to decide what I do when with whom. Than I can also do something with you. Through this electric chair with standing possibility I will be able to go with you into a concert. I will be able to drive myself and you do not have to push me straight all the time because I will be able to change my position myself. I am looking forward to it!

You looked at me very attentive as I told you, that I will not treat you any more. I did not get aware of your sadness before I wrote this down. I also am looking forward to go into a concert with you. You must get out of that house. You are much too alive and adventurous, like me, to get old in just one room. The globe is your house. I am standing on the barricades for you and you present for me all the patients in coma, who are lying in bed and can not move, who can not talk and also all the other people. We are all in coma, we think we are awake, but a part of us is in coma and wants to wake up.

Day 117
I tell you, that I will not treat you any longer because I can not do that properly in the time that I am allowed to be with you. I know, that I promised you, I will not abandon you, but the others are stronger here. I have tears in my eyes but my principles make me to decide this way, after I was told, that I am only allowed to treat you if I do that in the one hour that is allowed and I can not. You look all the time to the other side and gnashes your teeth the way you did, at the time you got those splints on your arms, that gave you wounds.

And there you stand at the side of my bed and tells me, that you will not come any more. I am so disappointed. Your treatments are so good to me! They gave me contact to my physical body and now, you leave me alone again! I believe you fear the others.

Tag 119
You are wearing glasses. I wonder why. Did you cut off your seeing because you could not bear it any longer? Or did your eyes cross like people do if they look further that the physical?
I wonder what more you see than others. And I wonder if you have been speaking about it? And did they understand you? Later I see, that two persons caress you at your head. I wonder, why they do that. Do they push you down or do they pull you up? Is your head chakra closes and stimulated to open by this action?

You look at me and ask if I see more than others. You radiate of joy when I answer YES. To you this is not threatening. You think that that is the reason I hide my eyes behind my glasses and you are right. You know, that that is the case with people who see more. These people do not know how they can integrate this seeing more than the others in their life but change their view so, that they see less than the others and therefore need glasses to see what the others see.

Day 123
I can not help it. You ask me, not to look. Do I have to close my eyes too? I am not allowed to say something because I am too critical, that is, I just see what really goes on and say so what the people do not like to hear so they send me away. And now you come and want me that I do not look! So, I got to keep quite and not look, does that mean close the eyes? So, how should I live my life? Eh, like those three monkeys! I see now, where they come from! So, I keep quite, but I leave my eyes open. In stead of saying what I see, I write it down. Here. So everybody can read it and do with it what he means is best. I take my responsibility for all the words that are written here. I do not put any words in anyone mouth. It is and stay my story! You can write your story and if you send it to me, I can put it on this page. It feels, like being sent away, like at my friends. Power and impotence. Changing the impotence into power and having the feeling having done something well. What has happened? Someone must be defended, but is it the right person? Must this person be defended or would the best reaction be to find out, why this problem exists? Why has this person that you try to defend by telling me not to look any more, a problem with my looking at? If this problem is not solved, it will come again and again with other people. And this person, that you are defending might make the throwing out of the person that is disturbing the harmony as a habit.

Your rejecting behavior to this person makes, that I defend her. You are not aware, that you have this rejecting behavior. You could have a look, why you have it. This person has also the right to live and be loved by you. You think you know everything, but not everything is accessible to you! And this person goes her way and has to be protected for you. She does not want to see you because you remember her to herself. And she does not want to be remembered because she than has to change her opinion about several persons and that is too painful. That is the reason, that you have to stay out of her way. She needs time to digest this pain and you are too much at this process.

Day 126
Yes the meal was great! I felt very lucky, that you wanted to make me something. I was making plan B as I heard, that you were cleaning the kitchen already. I almost felt guilty, that I did not call before I left home. The thought passed my mind, but I did not know where I could find your telephone number very quick so I just hurried to get her.

I was almost ready in the kitchen. We only have few guests and than I do not really like my work. If I have the feeling I am needed, is that good for my ego. My spirit only wants to love and I only can do that, when I have the feeling I am needed. If I do not have that feeling, I have the feeling I am not worth anything. I can only love what I do, but not who I am. If I do something, I do not need to be who I really am and that is a good feeling, because I know, that I have a lot of anger in me and I get aware of it if I do nothing but am. If I am not who I can be, this anger does not come to the light. If this anger does not come to the light, it will not influence my behavior and I am more love. Unconsciously I let my behavior be influenced by my anger, that is why I am thinking so much about the old days. I stayed in the trauma of what happened in the old days that is why I come to that again and again. I am not aware of doing so.

Day 127
I treated you and wonder, why you do not come any more. I see it as your responsibility. You know, where to find me. I do not understand, that you rely on medicines and do not come to be treated. If you are not treated, you are sure nothing will change. That experience you have already?

Your rejecting behavior against my lifestyle makes, that I do not want to do anything with you any longer. You reject me the same way as all those others. I want to be seen the way I really am. Although I can not show it.

Tag 128
I am sitting here and write while you pass. I look oyu in the eyes and you say hello to me. I answer you by winking with my eyes and I am very happy if you wink your eyea at the same way to answer me before you are out of my sight. You are beautiful with your big eyes and your curly hair.

You were sitting there and you accepted my greating but you could not answer it with words. i saw your answer and I was happy about it, so I answered it again. We spoke the same language.

Day 129
I have not been in contact with you for a long time. I call you. You must get her a personal assistant, that moves her so she is moved and can move. You tell me, you are on your way out. Am I too late? It does not concern me, but others. I have something to offer, but you are no longer in charge. I cry that you are no longer in charge, because I know that you know what she needs.

I am sorry, I did not trust my inner voice. I tried to help her and I was happy to meet you but I was afraid of the others. I looked for help but did not think of you.

Day 133
You have not yet reacted on the invitation, that I called an order. I assume, that you will reject it, BECAUSE I called it an order. You expect, that you have to say yes and you do not want to have to do anything. You want to be asked, if you want it, so you have the feeling, you can choose. This choice you have and more than that. You are very important because without you and without all the others, that I gave this order, nothing will happen. We are all NEEDED for this project.

As I read your letter, I almost exploded of anger. That is the last thing I expected of you. To force me to do something. Than I had a look, what you wanted from me and that tempted me. But I do not want to be forced to do something. I have been doing too many things that I was invited to, that I did not want to do. I did them because I thought it would keep the harmony. I did not say no and now I feel forced to say yes and therefore I say no, although I would like to say yes.

Day 135
I tell you, that I have treated longer than the one hour again. It had not been possible to do any work in advance because I did not get any information. I had to compose the treatment in the time of the treatment and not, as usual, in advance. That took exactly this 30 minutes, that I needed more.

You have been too long with the patient again. We made with a lot of difficulties this time schedule for the patient so all the therapists of the team were satisfied and I had difficulties to put you in, so that they agreed. The others do not understand, that you need more time for a treatment and therefore you must keep the time limit!
Otherwise we can not work together.

Day 136
I hear, that your daughter is examined in hospital. I love this child, she is super spontaneously and she talks to everybody. I wish, I could do that.

I want to know, why she is the way she is. She is so different from other children. What is the matter with her?

Day 136
I am in your room and the music therapist wants to treat you too. I am glad about that, I love her energy and I tell her, she can treat you while I treat you too. It is a very beautiful treatment.

I have never cooperated with someone like this before. It felt like being on a cloud of love and everything has been flowing. It was a good experience to me. Now I know, that it is possible to cooperate with others. Until now I did not have such an experience but I have been wishing it all the time. It is a nice island, but I am alone and I am longing for others, with whom I can exchange this energy.

Day 137
And so am I at the street again, I am tired and shaky on my feet. Going? Eh, I can hitch-hike. And I put out my thumb and just a few minutes later you stop and bring me to my place. The house in Staufen that I am looking for since this morning, is in good hands now.

I saw “a woman“ and stopped. Your information is what I needed now and I would like to hear more from you. I will lead your info further. The house is already here. We make something beautiful out of it!

Day 139
I understand you. I would react the same way. No, I react the same way to you now. Why, oh, why do you not understand me? I would like that we all would talk with each other and discover what the best treatment is, but no one understand me or wants to listen to what I have discovered.

I understand you, but I was too much occupied with my daughter and my sorrow. I feel, that you work from your heart, but I am angry with you because you were not here so long, you were gone without notice. No one told me anything.

Day 140
Some say, that you do not know, what is happening, but you know very well, what you feel. Unconscious I am aware of that. This unconscious being aware comes in my awareness through my reaction on you. I get aware, that I am tired after we have been talking and I determine it must be your negative focus because I feel totally well after a lovely woman with a positive focus has driven me to my place.

I know exactly what happens. I am aware of every second of my life. That is why I have this negative focus, because no one makes me a pleasure. I always have to work hard and do not have any possibility to do what I would like, but I always have to do what others want me to do. I have always been that person, that had to work while others earn a lot of money. I do not want to work any longer. I only want to enjoy life. I feel like I am working for others but do hardly earn anything. And you tell me I should live my richness! That is impossible if one does not earn any money. It is easy for you to talk, you have a lot of patients and you are paid well! He, you only have three patients? Eh, how can you live richness? So you are not in richness. And you come here and tell me to live my richness while you do not earn anything? What do you want? You want to give courses? You do not believe anyone will come to your courses!

Day 141
How are you lying? I look on the list on which side you are lying. You almost always lie the same. The pillows are much too weak. I let you lie like that because I do not understand all that and treat you.

I need CHANGES. These pillows are so weak, that I come every time in the same position through my weight. My whole body hurts and if I cry I get a painkiller. These painkillers destroy my pancreas, if nothing happens. Your treatment has effect on my pancreas.

Day 143
I have written down a treatment for you and want to give it to you before we talk so you will have contact to your inner voice and can trust it. I know, that your inner voice is very good and that you do not trust it. The way I did not trust mine. I am glad, that you let me treat you and I smile, when you say half ways the treatment, that we have to talk. I tell you I am not ready yet, but we can talk at the same time.

I feel real ill today and I have to do some more things. You want to treat me before we talk and with some resistance, I give you the permission and I feel nervous because I have to do so much other things today. I feel what happens. We talk and you explain your findings and we are ready in time! But we need a long time before you leave me. I feel different. You gave me energy that I had lost. I feel much more myself and I trust now my inner voice and I know now, what it is al about.

Day 144
After the experience of the other day, I am at your place again and ask for the bill, after I told you, that you asked for little.

Thank you, you are right! It is time, that I ask the whole price. I will strive for it. Now I am tired and I need time for myself.

Day 145
I hear, that your daughter is more afraid while you are doing better. I wonder, if your daughter took some of your fear with love so love can flow.

Thank to other medicines I am doing much better than before, because I allowed this change. Nevertheless I am afraid because now my daughter is not doing well.

Day 146
I pass at your place after church because my inner voice suggests me to do so. You tell, that you had no good sleep because there was a lot of noise and you could not sleep again after you wake up. I do not have any sympathy with you and I withdraw in myself because I feel that your anger is there again. This anger makes, that you are not open and you can not think normal. Your thinking is in this anger and she comes to it again and again. Like I come to my healing work, that occupies me totally every time again and this energy is contrary of your anger energy and therefore you close for me. And so we are closed to another.

I had a very bad night. I am very tired and feel totally overtaxed through my life. I have never been able to cope with the loss of my mother. I am very angry on everybody because my mother left me, what was a very big shock to me what no one observed. I am still in this shock and I know that unconsciously but I do not succeed to get out of it. You have been treating me once and it hit me hard, that you told me, I did not have to come back. I fell abandoned again.

Everyone who wants, can come to me. One must only come.

Day 147
Before you came I had the feeling, you are an angel and I tell you this. You look at me without any understanding.

You are mad! I, an angel? No, I am not. I am worthless. No one has taken care of me, that is why I am so angry and a angel is not angry, is he?

Day 148
Your impotence is for me the reason to tell you at last, what I have been observed for a long time and I tried to talk about it with the person concerned, but he did not listen to me. He felt it as an attack and closed. Seems I do not talk his language? You come now, because they told you I visit my friend and I am not wanted in this house. I try to do something good to him and to communicate with him. No one likes that. He could mediate how he is treated. As if I do not know that already! I see every time I am here, what happens. He is almost never out of the bed. He hardly ever gets something to eat and now he also has a catheter. He did not have one before. He had napkins, they cost more time to nurse, but they are more friendly to the patient. My friend was happy to see me and I was happy to see him. Unfortunately I discovered, that he could not communicate any longer the way we could communicate the last time I was here. You want to talk with me and tells me, that my friend is lying good! And he is nursed good, because he has no decubitus. You do not know, why my friend does not get decubitus! That is not because of good nursing! He always lies in the same position because the pillows are much too weak. I told that before, but nothing is done about it. And now I tell you, that I helped my friend and it was me who helped him in this position because he was having pain in the position I found him in. Just a little bit of empathy was needed to see that. You have the idea, that I am mad, your employees do their job excellent. You do not bother to check. You do not want to check your employees. I did that too once. And landed in court, because my employee had been lying and swindling. I thought I was mad. Now I know, I was not mad! It was an expensive lecture! But now, it is not about me, not about you, not about any employee, it is about the patient! He is not put in a good position and he is not taken out of bed every day. And you claim he is treated well! You must be mad! And what can I do that my friend, the patient in coma is nursed and treated well at last??? You forbid me to enter the house because for you the employees are more important than the inhabitant, the patient in coma. And now it seems, that the situation is as before. My friend is treated twice a week and that is his week program. He does not get anything to eat, sondemeal is not that much work. There were five girls that wanted to do something with inhabitants of the house. I found that a super idea, every afternoon another girl that does something with him, reading, going for a walk, hearing music, playing with the dog. No, even that was not organized. Who is in coma??? Must he lie another 20 years this way? Or does the team that is around him want the same as he? He wants to move! And he needs help for that! That is a part of the nursing job. As they knew in old times, the patient needs movements! At that time patients were driven around in the garden of the house where they lived. The patient gets sun, shadow, light, other people, which means contact a.s.o.

You are right. The patient needs a good care. I must confess, I do not know what that is. I am not a nurse, not a therapist and not a doctor. I am a manager. I tried to carry out your proposals, but you have seen, that that did not succeed. You have been talking to me more than once and I was glad about that, because I like to communicate, but the way you know things is incomprehensive to me. I did my best and you think that is not enough. And I will not let you tell me what to do! And you just go to the National Health Service to complain about the wheelchair that they delivered while I was so happy, that I organized this new chair that quick. And now you tell me that my employee is not doing his job right! I had you replaced as a therapist and now you must get out for ever! You are too troublesome. I am the one in charge here! I need harmony and your critical attitude offends my harmony. I get totally confused and react very impulsive. I did not want to send you away but I did not know another way to calm down my confusion.

Day 149
I have been treating you quit some time now and used my lists for that. Today I have to tell you, that you have to drink very much water and take a Schüsslersalz to stimulate your system to use another way to get rid of the water than to store it in your legs, the way it is now.

I can not take some substance, of which you think I should take it, can I? The information that you give is not enough for me to trust, that it would help. I asked my doctor and he could not calm me down. My inner voice keeps saying, I should maybe take it, but I fear changes and therefore I do not hear on my inner voice.

Day 154
Your reaction is a typical sign of a person in coma. You think, that I decide, and do not get aware, what your inner voice is telling you since a long time. What you have on the paper in front of you is only the result of your inner need to cooperate with others and work  healing. You must have sent this need up and so have the others, who are also part in this project. Me too. It seems, that time has come, that we are ready to live this wish to cooperation. Lots of people will be very thankful and we will have a very nice time with them!

I wrote my answer right after I read your invitation and I was quit hurt. I am very happy, that you took my answer that easy. I did not have that easiness because I do not like to look in the future. I am glad if I can be in to-day. I trust you, but not me. Therefore I can not yet make a decision what I will do at that time, but I think you need an answer to be able to plan.

Day 155
You are lying in the bed. It is standing with the head to the wall. The rest is free. At the right side is the window, at the left the door. The wall in front of you is just white. I got a calendar with beautiful butterflies for you. I put it on the wall in front of you, so it will not be as dead as it was. Unfortunately the butterflies do not live.

I have nothing here to see. I can only look through the wind if I am that lucky to lie on that side and do not fall back because of these weak pillows, but also on this side, I can hardly see more than the sky and the birds.

Day 156
You made me a very good dinner and I am looking forward to it. I asked for vegetables, mushrooms and potatoes, noodles or so, and I leave it to you if you have noodles or potatoes for me. I get my dinner and wonder, that there is meat on my plate. I ask about it and you explain me, that I wanted noodles and left you the choice of the meat. That was a misunderstanding. I do not eat meat! I do not want to hurt you and see the meat on my plate as a sign from the universe, that I need meat!

What do you tell me? I give you the best meat I have and you do not want it? You told me, you wanted to be surprised by the meat and you wanted noodles. You do not eat meat?

Day 157
You are take to the hospital and the ambulance comes to fetch you. They pull you on the bed, without any hold for your head, of which the bones have been taken out. How have you been able to live without that skull? I put your head better on the bed and polster your body so you do not feel the cold barriers at the side any more. I tell the people, that come to fetch you, that you can answer YES by closing your eyes. They know you, but they did not know this.

They take me to the hospital again. I got splints on my legs and they are too small. You know that and you told them, but they do not listen to you. You can talk, but they do not listen to you either. You can listen and that is good, but you do not speak the language of the others. You are much too aggressive and therefore the others close down. You must learn the language of the others if you want them to listen to you!

Day 158
I am not the only person, that thinks, that you can not as much as you can. You were at the coma station until they discovered, that you were not right there. Here it is for you hardly better. Nobody has time to do something with you. You sit in the wheelchair but there is hardly any stimulation and the therapy is not enough either. I am sorry, that I have to leave you, my time-restricted job is finished.

I would like so much to move again, but I do not know how. My head is very stiff and I do not have a possibility to move because I am always sitting in the same chair and my head falls to the front. In the bed I also always lie in in the same position.

Day 160
I still do not dare to do, what I want to do: follow my inner voice. I am afraid not to do what I think is expected from me, that is moving arms and legs. Very carefully I bring my convictions in the treatment if you let me. Sometimes I ask you very clearly if you want me to do so, because the treatment that was given until now did not help. You let me. You are happy over new experiences. Your inner voice needs experiences to get clearer. In those treatments I hear on your inner voice and on mine. Through this unconscious cooperation a very nice treatment is developing. We both are aware of it and feel better after the treatment.

I love my work! It is good for me to work! I am stimulated through you to listen to my inner voice and I am feeling guilty, that I have not done so so often. This feeling of guilt make, that I did not make lots of experiences, that were important to me. Instead I make other experiences and you too. Everything that I do and not do has his influence on your life. That is why I am NOW standing on the barricades and stimulate EVERYONE to get awake and listen to the inner voice to be connected to the Devine to live to the benefit of the Whole and by that be in the own power and be very happy.

Day 161
Today I have been hitch-hiking to Freiburg again. I drove with several cars with chauffeur. Abundance pure! With one of the drivers I talked about energy and how we use it. I discovered, that every shortage includes an abundance and I can concentrate on the shortage or on the abundance. I changed my view and concentrate on the abundance now. I drive to Freiburg with someone, the shortage is the dependence of a driver to come to Freiburg, the abundance are the meetings with all those drivers that friendly often drive me to the place where I am going to. Often I learn something new through the talks we have, things I would not learn that quick without the talk.

Today I stop for the person that is hitch-hiking. I drive in that direction and I am glad about this adventure, that gives me a new chance to get a new experience. If I do not want to talk, I just keep quit and if I want to talk, I have an other experience than normally. I am someone that likes to make experiences, as I am curious ant I have the feeling, that I can learn a lot from other people and their experiences. If I let someone drive with me, I always want to share my abundance. This abundance is so huge, that it will always be there.


I tried to learn the language of the others and I tried, not to be critical, because through critique people close and are no longer open for that what is said. Some people experience everything that is said as critique and are not willing to consider a proposal to changes. Instead the own convictions are kept. These convictions are formed by experiences and can not be changed if there are no new experiences make. To make new experiences the person has to listen to his inner voice and accept proposals from others to discover, that the own ideas make, that he is not listening to his inner voice.

There are days, that are not taken up in this diary. It has given experiences on these days too, but they are not yet written down. I wept lots of tears because or all the sorrow that I am no longer allowed to treat patients. I have to let them go so I will have more time to teach therapists and nurses how to treat a coma patient so he will be able to close his mouth willingly or can do something else willingly and communicate that way.
As you could read in this diary, there are lots of things that can be changed so the life of coma patients can normalize. It needs a team of nurses and therapists that is supported by the health care ore insurance company and they must all have the same goal: give the patient the possibility to move again. This team must cooperate for the welfare of the patient.
The therapy that gave the experiences written about, is h p i – therapy (healing through polarity and integration), that was developped out of Physiotherapy, Craniosacial therapy, Bobath therapy, Lymph drainage, h n c, energetic Healing (INEH), haptonomie, very careful mobilizations, healing touch, connection to the merkaba. The nurses and therapist must be aware, that movement is needed to give the patient the possibility to learn to move again and they must be willing to offer those movements. The therapists must be aware, that movements are necessary but not the only thing the patient needs to get to his feet again. The connection of the merkaba must also be treated every time. These treatments are taught in

h p i -COURSES .

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